One of the strangest moments during my recovery was when I first drove a bridge with no fear; none whatsoever.  This was very strange to me.

It was during the beginning of my recovery when I was working on driving on bridges.  And I was coming along with my progress and one random drive I felt no anxiety, no fear at all.  Immediately after I went to my counselor and explained what happened.  I was shocked, confused and even a little scared by this experience.  My counselor just looked at me and laughed (lovingly, of course!).

Humans are creatures of habit.  For the most part, we find comfort in familiarity.  Even if that familiarity is our anxiety.  We would rather stay with the suffering of anxiety, rather than let it go and create a new “habit”.

Learning to drive with no fear or without anxiety at all was something I never actually thought about.  I always said I wanted to recover, but I don’t think I ever actually fully understood what that meant for me.  So this new feeling of “no-anxiety” was a real surprise for me.  And it took some adjusting for me.  Until that point, I had never driven with no fear or any anxiety, and I didn’t even realize how much anxiety I was feeling until I didn’t have any.  And then once I felt the difference, it was an awakening of sorts for me.

But what I find interesting about this is; how much unnecessary suffering do we cause ourselves?  After that first experience, I started noticing how I would search for anxiety until I found it, all in an effort to be “comfortable”.  This happened much more than I would have guessed it would.

As my recovery continued, and I was noticing this habit of “needing” anxiety, I was eventually able to stop looking for it.  And more importantly was able to learn to get through my trigger situations without the need to feel anxiety, and created new habits & new conditioning for myself of having no fear.

After this experience, higher levels of anxiety did return.  It is not like I was miraculously cured or anything like that.  But I always knew that if I was able to have that experience once, I could have it twice (and more!).  So as I continued my practice and furthering my own recovery, I noticed little by little my levels would be lower, and for longer periods of time.  Recovery is a journey, filled with peaks & valleys, and there are lots of lessons to be learned along the way.

The first point of recovery is “Expect” that we will feel increased levels of anxiety when we are exposed to our triggers.  This is absolutely true.  But keep in the back of your mind that its ok not to feel any anxiety.  You do not need to look for anxiety or carry it any further than you need to.  Start to notice in your own life if there is a slight change in your anxiety, and if you notice maybe a little less when you would normally expect a little more.

Having this experience opened my eyes to the full potential of recovery.  It also confirms the fact that anxiety disorders are not caused by any kind of “defect” in us.  If we were “broken” in some way, how would recovery be possible by using the tools & techniques?  Anxiety disorders are a conditioning.  It takes effort, and it takes patience, but recovery can happen.  Never give up on trying.  Persistence!