Over the years I have experienced various types of behavioral conditioning.   Obviously many were dictated by my anxiety and emotional drifting, but I had become aware of other types of behavioral conditioning that I did not expect.

As my recovery started to solidify I was able to start recognizing different patterns in my behavior and how I approached everyday tasks.  What I realized is that in many cases I would perform a certain task in the same, exact way every time, basically unknowingly.  These were things that I may have started because I thought that it would be easier to do one way every time, or in other cases, I just fell into a habit of doing something a specific way and it just continued.

This type of behavior is linked to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and is common among people who have anxiety disorders.  OCD itself is a form of anxiety disorder, and I will discuss that more specifically in a future post.  What I am discussing here is how our habits, patterns and various conditioning happen when we live emotionally, as opposed to intellectually.

I often speak of “emotional drifting” which is when we do what feels right.  We do things based on our emotions and without deliberate action.  If something feels good, we will gravitate to doing that over and over again.  Likewise, if something feels bad we will work around it or create an avoidance altogether.  When we live with anxiety disorders we are being controlled by emotion, More specifically, we are being controlled by fear.  The problem with emotional drifting is that it reinforces our anxiety disorders.  We actually support our anxiety disorders and allow it to continue as it wants to.  Which is why one of the first steps of recovery is living “intellectually”; doing what you know needs to be completed deliberately, despite how you feel about it.

One of my habits which turned into a conditioning was the way I opened a box of cereal.  In looking at the front of the box I would tear open the same side of the bag inside, and store the box in the cabinet in the same direction.  I believe this started so that when I reached for the box it would be in the right position to pour easily.  When I realized I was doing this automatically, I purposely mixed it all up; I opened the other side of the bag and put it away in a different position.

Just this slight change of opening a box of cereal caused me to have a physical and emotional response.  It was not driven so much by fear, by more feeling that things were “not correct”.  This was a conditioning that developed without my consent, it was caused by my emotional drifting.

This was really a big surprise and something I never expected was even a possibility for me.  I had suffered from anxiety disorders from a young age, so I was very familiar with the various manifestations that I had experienced, but I did not ever display any formal OCD type behavior.  So when I first realized that I had a strong emotional response to something as basic as opening a box of cereal, it opened my eyes and I began researching how this fit into my recovery.

I learned that it is very common for many people to fall into various conditioned habits without even realizing it.  I was certainly not alone in this.  This type of conditioning is a result of emotional drifting and is rooted in “control”.  Anxiety disorders, in all the many manifestations of it, are all rooted in “control”.

When I was running my weekly support group we would speak of this on occasion, and as an exercise for recovery, I would often make suggestions for people to change things around in their life.  Just to do some of the basic things a little differently than usual.  I was actually surprised by many of the responses I received from people.

One woman, for instance, had a habit of wearing certain jewelry on specific arms/hands.  She admitted they have to be “just right” or else she doesn’t feel right.

As I did with myself and opening a box of cereal, I had this woman start mixing it up in small, manageable steps just to start learning how to give up control.  Wear the jewelry on opposite arms, place it differently in her jewelry box.  She did as I suggested, and it was an interesting experience for her.

She learned that her conditioned behavior was stronger than she ever expected.  Not only was her jewelry an issue for her, but she started to see many areas of her life that she was conditioned to “control”.  And like myself, this woman did not have OCD either, but rather she dealt with generalized anxiety and panic disorders.

Learning to live intellectually and not be so specific in our day to day lives is how we can start to soften up and release control.  This is extremely beneficial in creating recovery.

I suggest you look at your own life and see if there is an area where you are very strict with yourself.  Or where there is control in your daily activities.  Try to do things differently and accept the feelings you have towards it.  As you continue to practice changing things up in your life, it will get easier, and the desire to control will become less.  It’s a beneficial exercise for us to engage.

Never give up!  Persistence!