Social anxiety is a very common disorder that many people experience.  One of the reasons it is so common is that at its core, it easily fits in with other types of manifestation.

Some of the common symptoms that come along with social anxiety are fear of the following; public speaking, failure, being judged, being embarrassed, not fitting in, feeling awkward.  The list can go on and on.  There does not seem to be an end to the symptoms or the various combinations of symptoms.

With social anxiety, we may believe that everyone is better than us, or that we are lacking in some area.  Our perception of others and ourselves is inaccurate.

A story of a friend of mine that I have always enjoyed, involves fear of public speaking.  I will share it with you;

This girl grew up with social anxiety.  She often doubted herself in social situations, and never felt like she fit in.  Getting through high school and then college was a challenge.  In grad school, she had pulled back and almost completely isolated herself from all social situations.

Upon graduating from grad school she had to give a presentation in front of an auditorium filled with people.  Many of her classmates and professors filled the seats.  Needless to say, leading up to this day she was filled with fear; this was one of her worst nightmares coming true for her social anxiety.

She had long hair.  And for her presentation, she had spent a lot of time and made sure it was put up perfectly.  She bought new clothes.  Great attention was being paid to every detail.  In her mind, the only to succeed at this was to be “perfect”.

Standing in the back waiting to be introduced to the large crowd of people, someone walked by and upon wishing her good luck accidentally knocked her hair, and it completely fell out of place.  Her long hair that she spent a great amount of time on putting up, was now completely down.  And only a few short moments before she was to be introduced.

As soon as this happened, all her anxiety left her.  She was calm.  Careless.  Without any worry.  As if she never had social anxiety to begin with.

Remember, anxiety stems from wanting to control a situation or event.  She had manipulated her life for years, trying to control every situation.  Leading up to her presentation she had tried to control every aspect of it, from writing the presentation to clothes, shoes, even her hair.  Once her hair was knocked out and she lost “control”, she gave up on trying to control any part of it anymore.  Instead, she went and gave what she called “the greatest presentation ever”.

With no more delusion about being able to control the experience, she was able to go out and give her presentation completely relaxed.  When she told me the story she explained how she threw in a couple of jokes into the presentation, she was laughing; in her words, she said having her hair knocked out was the single greatest event that ever happened to her.

And I understand that comment.  The burden we impose on ourselves to be perfect and to control life, in general, can be overwhelming.  Living with anxiety is exhausting.  Once we no longer hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations, we can finally relax.

Certainly, recovery for her still took effort and time.  As with any of us, our conditioned behavior runs deep.  No one can expect to have one experience and instantly become recovered.  Under certain conditions and exposed to the right trigger, our anxiety will return.

H.A.L.T.S.S. (hungry, angry, lonely, tired, stressed, sick) When we are physical, mentally or emotionally drained we will have higher levels of anxiety.  All people will.  For those with anxiety disorders, it is especially challenging.  So we have to “Expect” this under certain conditions.

Until we learn to ignore our anxious thoughts, manage our thoughts and create a new learned conditioned response to our triggers, recovery will not be created.  To do this it takes effort and time.